Not A Saver

I’ve never been a saver of things.

I’m mostly petrified by those reality hoarding shows. I mean, I watch in a crazy gawking kind of way. And then revel in their truth as I try to understand it.

You can’t throw away 3 nail polishes you’ve never used?

You have 150 balls of wool and don’t know how to knit but want to hold onto it because you might someday?

3 pairs of rollerblades you absolutely can’t part with even though the idea of putting them on creates anxiety on a Fujita scale EF-5?

Multiple plastic containers cascading from every corner of your kitchen cabinets, you’ll use sometime? I mean that one I kinda get, cuz you don’t want it to go into a landfill.

But all those clothes you never wear and can’t release, someone else could wear them.

And the appliances, oh, so many appliances, could be sold effortlessly on Craigslist. Or given away on FB marketplace.

No. Savers are a different breed than me.

I will toss things away without a care.

Christmas cards. Read. Recycle. Repeat. For the month of December.

Haven’t worn it in 6 months. Pass it on to my little sister Ashley.

iPhone jammed up with storage from all my photos and vids. Do a complete ‘select all’ and delete.

Here’s the thing though. The stuff I save. It’s really big. Really meaningful. Really important.

Last year for my dad’s bday my sister got together with the fam and bought him a year on this awesome website called storyworth. It prompted him to write pieces about his life and all of us engaged could ask him to answer questions as well.

This has been a fun interaction for a little over 10 months now and I’ve loved reading my dads stories and asking him to share more.

Last night a storyworth question came through my email with my dads response.

Were you involved in any organizations in high school?

I was involved with the High School Band and Choir all through jr and sr high which were well organized by Ronald Q Johnson our leader and director. I belonged to the science club which was led by our teacher Willy Anderson and was active in science fair project competitions. I remember going to an introductory meeting for the Boy Scouts at the Creamery building and getting sick from chocolate milk they served. I never went back.

When I read the email a flood of memories came back to me. To be real with you, I don’t have many fond memories of my childhood. A lot of ucky stuff went down and though I’ve healed it, I haven’t saved it. I’m better for it but don’t need the reminder hanging around if you know what I mean.

However, reading about my dad’s participation in science fair projects sparked my 44 yr old self into remembering when I was in 7th grade and my dad helped me Ace my science project. It wasn’t all above board, mainly because I falsified my data, but it was a HAPPY MEMORY.

Happy memories from childhood don’t come by my doorstep often.

And me, not a saver. I throw everything away. Yet I went directly to my back hall closet and pulled a cute plastic box from my top shelf (it was easy to find I don’t have much in there), then opened it up and within 1 minute had found polaroids pics of said science project.

I wrote this back to my dad on the Storyworth website.

Omgoodness. This makes so much sense to me now. Remember when you helped me make my hamster maze for my 7th grade science project? It was the best maze ever and I was supposed to run the hamsters through it daily and document their learning.

Only I procrastinated and ended up falsifying most of my “lab experiments” on paper. And then one of the hamsters actually ate another one so I went to the Science show with 2 hamsters instead of 3. But with the cool maze you made and the made up lab experiments, I totally got an A+ . Prolly the only time I ever got an A in science. I love you. I love that you made that maze for me. We worked so hard on it together and you had all the good ideas to make it happen. It’s a really happy memory from my youth. You’re so creative!!!!

Here’s the thing I garnered from this. And maybe you can get something from it too if you’re not a saver like me.

The things I hold onto are precious. They mean the world to me. I won’t let them go and I know where they live and can find them at a moment’s notice. I thought I didn’t have happy memories of my childhood and during one of my most challenging years (7th grade) I find a treasured and happy memory that I SAVED. In a cute plastic box. But I saved it.

I’ve let go of a lot of things that were hard for me when I was young. I released a lot of suffering and forgave more people than you’d want to imagine who hurt the young girl I was.

It might be a small side effect for me. Not holding onto things. I don’t hold onto much these days. I learned in a hard way holding on hurts. So now. I let that shit go. Whatever it is.

And yet.

I love this knowing. I do hold onto the things that really matter. The happy things I keep. They live in my home, on my art wall, on my book case, in my closet, in that cute plastic box, but mostly all over my heart.