It’s birthday week ya’ll. Or if you’re my bestie Rah, it’s birthday month. Not to go deep and dark fast but I didn’t love celebrating my birthday for a long time. I would blow past the day, not telling people and pretending it wasn’t really a big deal.
This was before Facebook and no one got notifications so I could fly under the radar pretty easily.
When I turned 15 years old my parents threw me a surprise birthday party. I’d just gotten out of the hospital after a suicide attempt and had been living in residential treatment for a little over a month. I was supposed to get out after one week but on the day of my release I hid under my hospital bed curled up with my Dayton’s Santa Bear.
The doctors decided it wasn’t a good time for me to leave. 3 1/2 weeks later they let me out into the world. Honestly, probably still not a good time for me to leave.
I was so grateful and also overwhelmed, still traumatized, painfully depressed, and not sure I wanted to be on this planet.
For today I wasn’t going to choke myself with a sheet though. I certainly felt scared, victimized and sure I would never find peace in my life. The party was a huge surprise. I walked into a full backyard with all my friends and family there to support me.
I remember cringing to so many pats on the back and “It’s gonna be okay”, and I felt like a charity case.
Where I am in my life now, I KNOW they were all there because they loved and supported me.
The way my mind worked back then was simply below the line and I didn’t want to receive love. I was incapable of it. And most certainly unworthy of it. I thought they felt like they were obligated, had to be there, and felt bad for me. Crazy enough I believed every last person in attendance felt like they were wasting their time on this sunny afternoon with poor, sad, Lisa.
Isn’t it crazy what we can make our minds believe? Look at this…
70 people arrive to show their love and happiness on my birthday.
I believe they all showed up because they felt sorry for me.
Absolutely insane. And yes, it’s how the mind works (at least it’s how mine does). Creating stories to support who you are, who you were, and who you are becoming. The mind will always support what you believe.
I’ve spent a monumental two decades working on my belief constructs. At times changing radically in minutes, at others only shifting after multiple lessons and many years.
It wasn’t until I turned 40 yrs. old I REALLY got into celebrating my birth. I finally got it though.
Who I am now. It’s amazing.
Who I was last year, yup, still amazing.
And who I’m becoming, SOOOOOOO amazing.
It’s all something grand to celebrate and I decided I would revel in the week of my birthday and enjoy all of it.
This year I’m doing Rise-N-Shine bootcamp for my birthday week and guess what? All these peeps who signed up…they’re not coming for a charity case. And they’re not coming to get they’re asses kicked (I mean that is happening and part of it), they’re coming because they genuinely want to be around me.
It’s not punishment. Or wait….maybe it is. There’s a lot of squats, pushups, and pain involved. 😉 It’s love. Appreciation. And authentic enjoyment. Cuz’ here’s the thing loves, you don’t show up for something unless you choose to. Even if you whine and complain and make excuses, when you actually SHOW UP, it’s because you choose to show up.
All of those wonderful people who came for my 14 soon-to-be-15 yr. old self’s birthday party. Thank you! I get it now. And I’m grateful. Still alive, and really loving my life. You showing up made a difference in my life.
Whatever you’re up to this month I promise this #birthdaymonthplaylist will be something fun for you!
I’m in love with all the songs on it, but there are a few I really have been on repeat with…
Majesty– Explicit lyrics but totally on my #microbucketlist to be able to karaoke to this one. Yes, even the really, really, really, fast part!
Ali in the Jungle– You can even watch a video of me fighting with this song in the background here.
Straight Up– Natalie is a friend of mine and I know she’s been feeling the pull towards creating new music, I hope she does. I love this song!
I wanna dance– This is Said Kelley and she’s my sister. Do I really need to say more? Uhm ok I will…she’s the best. I love her more than anything and she’s talented, brilliant, funny, and my person.
Enjoy the playlist and share with me what your favorite song on it is, I’d love to hear!