Begin Again: A Story for hard times

BEGIN AGAIN.

The words echoed in my ears.

I lived most of my childhood with an anxious tic. Every time I made a mistake I would shake my head and tell myself, “I’m starting my life over right now.”

With a violent shake of my neck to the right I would try desperately to erase my entire past and start my life over with a jarring, externally obvious move.

I wanted a perfect life. No mistakes. No errors. No reminders of my faulty missteps, traumas, and glaring unworthiness.

It never worked. Instead I had concerned parents who took me to see the doctor because they couldn’t figure out what was wrong with me. 

Why does she make these sudden sharp head movements every 30-60 seconds? 

I was undiagnosable. Maybe it was a phase. Yes, turns out it was. At some point, around-what-age-I’m-not-entirely-sure, I gave up. I wasn’t going to get better. I wasn’t going to forget the traumas, I wasn’t going to become cool to the kids in school, I wasn’t going to be perfect, or worthy.  The tic stopped. My suffering did not.

Now, 20 years later I sat in excruciating silence at my Vipassana meditation retreat. 

It was to my benefit to sit without moving. I fidgeted every minute or so. 

It was to my benefit to release my thoughts. They continued racing through my head.

It was to my benefit to feel the sensations happening in my body and not attach to them. I couldn’t stop thinking about the pain in my hip and the needles pricking at my fallen asleep crossed feet. I was very attached.

Begin again.

The words echoed in my ears.

Taking a deep breath in I repeated the words to myself. “Begin again.” 

Not starting my life over right now. No. Everything I’d experienced had brought me to this place. I couldn’t start my life over. I was finally beginning to understand I didn’t want to either.

No, with the improbability of forgetting all the pain and suffering, pretending it didn’t happen or worse punishing myself for being through traumatic experiences and making unskillful choices, I knew I didn’t need to erase it. I only needed to learn from it.

This phrase was a softer, gentle reminder than ‘starting my life over right now’.

You don’t need to start over, dear one.

You only need to move forward, dear one.

And don’t give up, dear one.

I believe in you, dear one.

I see you, dear one. 

I am here. I love you.

Just begin again.