She didn’t want to die.
But she took the pills. One after another. She didn’t know how to swallow more than one at at time. She took 108 of them. One. Then a swallow of orange juice. And then another. One. 108 times. One at a time. Until death was closer.
It was enough to die.
She didn’t want to though, not really.
She wanted to feel Alive.
She passed out after making a call to her best friend who called 911. It was necessary. She would’ve died without that call.
Without support we are nothing.
Without love we are able to breathe and exist. We can’t really live though. Not live in the sense of living Alive, only in the sense of living, scientifically.
She was breathing. She was living. And she wasn’t Alive. She was a zombie.
She wanted to feel Alive.
She woke up in the hospital with a scratchy throat and pain through her entire body. They’d given her NarCan to reverse the effects of the pills. She’d been given charcoal, and had her stomach pumped.
The feeling was unpleasant. Somehow, she felt Alive.
It was 3 months and 18 days there. Staying in the hospital. Walking amongst the other zombies. Everyone breathing, existing, and not really living. She was inside for 108 days.
And she got out on 9/11.
The same day the towers crumbled and everyone out there in the US decided to feel more Alive. Because of tragedy. Because of pain. Because of urgency. Because of winter.
She did too.
She called up her friend. Thanked her for making the emergency call. She felt better about life, somehow.
She wasn’t sure how, but she did and her friend invited her to a yoga class.
Celebrating the fall equinox. The coming of winter, generally speaking the hardest time of the year for her. All proceeds would benefit the emergency responders of 9/11.
Without support we are nothing.
And winter was coming.
The hardest time of the year for her.
She went to the class. They did 108 salutations to the sun. 108 times. One. Then a deep breath. And then another. One. 108 times. One at a time. Until life was closer.
It was enough to live. Because the sun will always come out again. Even after the harshest winter.
She felt Alive.
And she knew.
It was only because of winter.